Whirlwind
by Yahtzee Party Girl
Summary: "Next, on a very special ER....A shocking event in the form of a runaway tornado reunites the staff of your favorite emergency department in a very special, all new, ER to cherish" It's funny...just read and enjoy...


  
Title: Whirlwind  
Author: Catherine  
E-mail: CraziCathi@aol.com  
Disclaimer: I am, in fact, EvilOrman and I have nothing better to do with my time than right extreme random nonsense about ER characters.   
  
  
****  
  
So Andrea and I got talking about how we should kill off Chen, Pratt, and Lizzie...She said they could die in the explosion...And after several other fucked up ideas, I said "Maybe they'll get sweeped into a run-away tornado". Naturally, I meant to say "swept" instead of "sweeped", seeing as how sweeped isn't a word. But I've never stopped myself from making words before, so I don't know why it would be an issue now. Anyway, I actually wrote this one on my own for a change, even though I did still steal some of Andrea's ideas. I hope you all enjoy it.   
  
****  
"Next, on a very special ER....A shocking event in the form of a runaway tornado reunites the staff of your favorite emergency department in a very special, all new, ER to cherish"  
  
_A helicopter lands on the roof of County General Hospital. The door flies open to reveal buck-naked Carter and Abby going at it like jackrabbits. _  
  
Lizzie: Holy hell. Where's the patient?  
  
Carter: Huh?  
  
Lizzie: The patient. You two were supposed to be rescuing an MVA with a broken leg.  
  
Abby: Lost an egg? No...I'm on the patch for nicotine, NOT birth control. I didn't loose any eggs.  
  
Pilot: Will you get these two the hell out of my helicopter already? They wouldn't keep their hands off each other since the second they got inside, so I just turned around and headed back here hoping there would be someone to take their place. You (he points to Lizzie), you're a doctor right?   
  
Lizzie: A surgeon, yes.   
  
Pilot: Ok, get in. You're coming with me.   
  
Lizzie: What about these two?   
  
Pilot: Help me push them out.   
  
Lizzie: What about their clothes?  
  
Pilot: We'll leave them in a pile next to them on the roof. I don't have time to make sure they're smart enough to redress themselves.   
  
~~~~  
Meanwhile, in the lounge...  
  
On Air Talker Person TV News Guy: In a seemingly shocking turn of events, a tornado watch has been put in place directly over Cook County's own County General hospital. Here today we are joined with meteorologist Dr. Eugene Kelly...What are your thoughts on this Dr. Kelly?  
  
Kerry: Does my hair look ok? Yeah? Good. Well Mr. TV Person...I feel that I'm quite qualified for the position of disaster-control coordinator. I am also a lesbian, so I will not be interested in sleeping with you Mr. TV Person, so that is not how I got the job. I am a highly skilled businesswoman who is interested in bettering her career.  
  
Susan: Kerry, who are you talking to?   
  
Kerry: Leave me alone Susan, I'm on TV.  
  
Susan: Uh...No you're not.   
  
Kerry: Sure I am, I'm talking to that TV guy right now. He just asked Dr. Kerry what she thought...That's me, Dr. Kerry is my television persona.  
  
Susan: That's true, you are talking to the TV guy...but he's not living in the little box...He's across the state in newsroom. You are just talking to the TV, he can't hear you. And he said Dr. Kelly...The meteorologist...Not Dr. Kerry.   
  
Kerry: Susan, I don't have time for this. There are protocols to be implemented to prevent further damages from impeding our ability to care for patients.   
  
Susan: Would you lighten up? Nothing's going to happen. It seems like every few months this place is filled with excitement for a while...But then there's just a few weeks of the same patients we treated in the beginning of the year all over again...And no one we know ever ends up getting hurt in any of these natural disasters, you'll be fine Kerry, MauraAbby likes you...and Orman likes MauraAbby...You're not going anywhere. Plus, you bring in a lesbian fan base, you're good as gold.   
  
Kerry: Why are you still talking? We have to evacuate all the patients to the ambulance bay.   
  
Susan: Because that's where they'll be safe from a tornado.   
  
Kerry: Damnit Susan, don't argue with me. Just do your job.   
  
Susan: I wish I could stay and chat Kerry, but I've got to get my manshirts and manpants to the nearest shelter. I'm not going to find another decent piece of boymeat unless I'm wearing one of these sexy numbers.   
  
_Susan runs to her locker to save her precious collection of men's department jewels.   
_  
~~~  
Meanwhile, at the front desk...  
  
Frank: Great, just what we always needed. A friggin' tornado.   
  
Jerry: Will you get it together, man? We've got to save important stuff from behind the counter before we're all swept away.   
  
Luka: Don't worry! Luka will save everything!!!   
  
_Luka dashes around the hospital, grabbing critical elderly patients with seemingly large bank accounts, bishops, hookers, and all of the fuzzy dice he could find and rushes them in his PenisCar to the nearest shelter where he immediately accepts checks for very large sums of money from the elderly before he dies, which he then gives to the hookers as payment while the bishops look on and absolve St. Luka of all his sins. _  
  
~~~~  
Back to the desk...  
  
Frank: Right, I'll save the Twinkies.   
  
Jerry: Like hell you will. I was here first, I'll save the Twinkies.   
  
Frank: The Twinkies are mine you fatass.   
  
Frank and Jerry dive after each other's throats, neither causing much damage to the other because they are both completely famished due to lack of sufficient Twinkie nourishment. Jerry looks up to see Abby inhaling the last of the Twinkies.  
  
Jerry: Abby? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were on a run with Carter?  
  
Abby: That damn pilot was *such* a prude. He kicked us out because we tried to spend the trip down @#^$#...Can you believe that? We were giving him a damn fine free show and he turns the helicopter around. We even offerered to let him come back there with us. He said something about "having to navigate the controls"...What an ass. That's is what I thought I was doing with Carter anyway. But whatthefuckever, he just doesn't know what he was missing out on. I mean, you've seen my ass right?   
  
Jerry: Uh...right.  
  
Abby: And then I heard about the tornado...Who knows how long it would have been until my next meal, so I ate the Twinkie stash.   
  
Jerry: Yeah, but you could have at least taken them out of the plastic wrap first. I know I ate a seven year old Twinkie once...but even I wouldn't stoop that low.   
  
Abby: There's no time for that. We are in a life or death situation here. If I don't eat every half an hour, there's no telling how my body would react. I could just shrivel up and die...Now you wouldn't want that, would you?   
  
Frank: I wouldn't loose any sleep over it.   
  
Abby: Then you won't loose any sleep over knowing I'll never stay up all night slapping your ass raw again.   
  
Frank: What the hell are you talking about?   
  
Abby grabs at Frank's ass  
  
Abby: You know what I'm talking about soldier.   
  
Frank: I don't know what the hell is wrong with you Abby, but I'll have you know I used to be a cop. If you keep up this sexual harassment, I'll have to have you arrested.   
  
Abby's face lights up  
  
Abby: Does that mean you'll have to handcuff me to the bed? Because I'm just as funny in handcuffs.   
  
Carter: She's right...she is.   
  
Abby: Oh hey Carter...Did you go and rescue the little fucker from daycare yet?   
  
Carter: Well I rescued my nailclipper, my nailpolish, my nail file, my hair gel, all of my manly ambiguously gay turtlenecks, my extra pair of inferiorly small shoes, my extra scrubs, my dork wear suspenders, my diamond pinky ring that I keep in the limp ring holder that resembles by flaccid and inferior penis compared to Luka's large member that clearly is resembling of his extremely large and manly feet, I remembered to grab my keys to the Jalopy, my SCUBA gear, my good friend Vicodin Bottle, and my prized collection of Precious Memories figurines. I wanted to get all the important things loaded into the Jalopy to see if there would be enough room for the little fucker first.   
  
Abby: You're so sweet. I hope you left room in Jalopy for all of my stuff. You know how angry I get when my beloved Tequila Bottle goes out of my sight for even a split second.   
  
Carter: Don't worry, I left the food carrier in the backseat empty because I though you might want to fill it up.   
  
Abby: You are an amazing man, John Carter. Now go and save the little fucker before it gets sucked into the tornado.   
  
Carter: Ok, I'll be back soon...Why don't you go clean out your locker while I go upstairs...Then we can get out of here before the tornado touches down.   
  
Abby: Let me have the keys.   
  
Carter: They're in my pants, why don't you fish them out.   
  
Abby sticks her hands down Carter's pants, grabs something...but not the keys.   
  
Carter: I meant my pants' *pocket*...We don't have time for that right now. You know what? Here are the keys, just meet me back here in 10 minutes.   
  
Abby: Ok, thanks.  
  
_Abby goes to the lounge and takes Tequila Bottle, MagicID Badge, the wild turkey she'd wrangled in the ambulence bay earlier, 3 pounds of coffee, a rack of lamb, 4 dozen cookies, her entire SlutHo wardrobe, yellow trauma gowns because she needs to wear them everywhere if a full body shot is going to be involved, grey tank tops, and her inspirational "You're not that pretty, or that special, but you make a good Kurva nurse in the dark" sign from St. Luka out of her locker and puts it in a box before returning to the elevator to wait for Carter..._  
  
~~~~  
Meanwhile, in Curtain Area Three...  
  
ChenSlut: Hi there Mr...whatever, you're name's not important. I'm Dr. Chen, what seems to be the problem today?  
  
Patient #1: Well, I've been feeling really sick lately, my head hurts all the time and I've had this other weird pain in my-  
  
ChenSlut: Uh huh. That's nice. Take your clothes off.   
  
Patient #1: Excuse me?  
  
ChenSlut: I have to examine you, if you know what I mean.  
  
Patient #1: Oh, right. Umm...is there a gown or something I should put on instead?  
  
ChenSlut: No, completely naked works for me. We could dim the lights if you'd be more comfortable.   
  
Patient #1: Wouldn't it be a little hard to examine me with the lights off?   
  
ChenSlut: That's not the kind of examination I had in mind.   
  
Patient #1: What the hell is going on here?  
  
ChenSlut: Ugh...You don't understand. We are all going to die in this freak tornado accident and I CANNOT DIE A CURTAIN AREA THREE VIRGIN!   
  
Patient #1: Normally I'd love to help you out, but if you had just listened to all of my problems before you took all of your clothes off, you would have gathered that I probably have some kind of STD because it burns when I urinate.   
  
ChenSlut: Why does this always have to happen to me? If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find someone disease-free to have sex with me in this general area.   
  
Chen walks outside and wrangles the first thing she sees with a penis, in this case an 83 year old man with electro-ejaculation problems, into Curtain Area Three.   
  
ChenSlut: Ok, you'll do. Let's go, get naked.   
  
Old Guy: Bah...I Dohn Bah Dooo.  
  
ChenSlut: I don't care if you want to or not...I CANNOT DIE A CURTAIN AREA THREE VIRGIN!   
  
~~~~  
Meanwhile, upstairs in day care...  
  
Carter: Kerry, what are you doing here?  
  
Kerry: I thought that maybe someone would forget to rescue their little fucker and I could take it home to live with me and Sandy. It would just be a lot faster than having to argue with her over whose turn it is to try and birth one of these boob-suckers.  
  
Carter: Oh...I always knew there was a reason you women loved breast-feeding so much. So Kerry, tell me...Do you remember what my little fucker was wearing this morning? I don't know which one it is.   
  
Kerry: I was a little too busy saving lives to pay attention to how ambiguously gay you dressed your spawn this morning Carter.  
  
Carter: Huh, you don't say. Well, if you don't know...and I don't know...I guess we are just going to have to save all the little fuckers.  
  
_Carter grabs little fuckers by their collars and carries them away in his teeth, because that's the way his animals do it on the farm. Kerry hooks a line of little fuckers together and drags them away after attaching one to her crutch. Sixteen minutes later all of the little fuckers are out of daycare and safely secured with Joe Rogan's homemade duct tape to various surfaces of Jalopy...Excepting two red headed little fuckers that Kerry had impaled with her crutch to take home for Sandy... _  
  
Carter: I have to go find Abby and show her my good work...   
  
~~~~  
Back to Curtain Area Three...  
  
Pratt: Jing-Mei! What the hell is going on in here?   
  
ChenSlut: Oh..I uh...Uh...Ooooohh....*slurp*  
  
Pratt: That's just nasty. He doesn't even have any teeth.   
  
ChenSlut: He's still got a tongue.   
  
Pratt: Man, that's foul. Get off of him right now and come with me. If we are all going to get sucked into a tornado, I sure as shit am not about to die without sleeping with you one more time.  
  
ChenSlut: If you insist...  
  
ChenSlut gets off the old geezer and begging to put on her clothes...Oddly enough there's a new se-uh, club soda stain on her sweater.   
  
Pratt: What's this stain on your sweater? It looks like sperm.   
  
Abby: SPERM! Hehee...You said SPERM!   
  
ChenSlut: Where the hell did you come from?   
  
Abby: That's not important. I come running whenever someone mentions a baby...or the man juice that a baby comes from. That's SPERM...Hehee...Now *I* said SPERM. SPERM SPERM SPERM.   
  
ChenSlut: Don't listen to her, she's *just* a nurse. Now are we going to go, or what?   
  
Pratt: Oh, we're going baby. I've got one hell of a romantic evening planned for you.  
  
_Pratt and Chen walk out of the hospital to spend their last magical night together in the back of his SUV. Pratt's got a huge dumbfuck smile on his face because he knows he's about to get lucky...At least as lucky as you can get with ChenSlut involved in anything._  
  
~~~~  
Back to the elevator...  
  
Carter: Abby! You are going to be so proud of me. I used Joe Rogan's homemade duct tape to strap all the little fuckers to my Jalopy.   
  
Abby: Did you leave room for my box?  
  
Carter: Sure, we can shove it between some of the little fuckers for protection.   
  
Abby: Ok, we just have to make sure we pack in Tequila Bottle really tight. It's delicate you know.   
  
Carter: Don't worry, I know. Why are you wearing your jacket? And holding mine in a completely non-suspicious fashion in front of your entirely normal-sized rounded belly?  
  
Abby: Because I'm ready to go. Unless you want to !#@#$* on the roof one last time for old times sake.   
  
Carter: How about we got to Curtain Area Three instead? It's so much more cozy.   
  
Abby: Uh...occupied.   
  
Carter: Then what the hell...The roof sounds like fun. I've never done it in a tornado before...  
  
Abby: Really? That's odd. I'm such a SlutHoBitch that I've done it at least 3 times in every kind of natural disaster imaginable, of course I was completely bombed and can't remember any of it now. But it'd be nice to have sex in a tornado and remember it for once, I guess. Even if it does have to be with a turtleneck-wearing PansyAss with small feet...  
  
Carter: Hey, you wear turtlenecks too.   
  
Abby: My point exactly.   
  
_Carter and Abby have a quickie on the elevator ride up before they reach the roof where they were so caught up in their !@#$#$ and @#$^% that they didn't even notice the tan SUV that got SWEPT up into the tornado and eventually landed right on top of a cow which suffered similar misfortune in being SWEPT up in the tornado's wrath. Both the cow and passengers of the SUV died on impact. The cow will be greatly mourned. _  
  
_Fade to black while "Executive producer: Catherine McJackass" screen appears..._  
  
~*~*~  
La Fin...  
  
_But stay tuned for scenes from next week's all new episode of ER..._  
  
"You thought they were gone...But next week the hospital's beatification fish return in a life changing episode. Will they realize that there is more to life than eating themselves into a depression and attempting suicide by smashing their engorged bodies into the sides of a unnecessarily roomy glass aquarium strategically placed in front of AbbyMaura's oddly rounded, tumor filled, MagicID Badge protected belly? Don't miss this very special episode of ER next Thursday with special guest star 8x10 Glossy Photo of AbbyMaura on Magic ID Badge and it's reverse side, Maura's 862 Item Grocery List."  
  
*****  
  
*****  
  
Ok...That's all she wrote. Big phat Mormon thanks to Andrea for being such a fucked up McFreak...And to Jules for suggesting that I add in that little *slurp* to further prove Chen's SlutHoNess...And to everyone reading...I hope you enjoyed your stay in Catherine's House of Random Fucked Up Nonsense...Drop me a line (CraziCathi@aol.com) and just let me know you read it. Loved it, hated it, want me to throw myself off a cliff for being such a delusional McDumbass...  
  



End file.
